What Is Spiritual Friendship?

Written by Jeff White •  March 2024

“Therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.” Philippians 2:1-2

“I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare. For everyone looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 2:20

Spiritual friendships are relationships in which two to four individuals meet together in order to help each other attend to and respond to God. They help each other spy out how God is at work in their lives. Spiritual friends desire to see each other grow into the very best version of themselves - the unique persons who
God intended them to be. Because they believe that the ultimate fulfillment of our humanity is found in union with God and Christ, they seek to nurture that connection by attending to each other’s prayer life, engaging with biblical practices, identifying idols, fighting habitual sins and character flaws, and growing in the art of loving well and from the heart. Just as Jesus is intentional in his dealings with us, it is appropriate for us to be intentional with one another. As in all friendships, spiritual friendships are marked by mutuality.

What are the components of spiritual friendships?

Most spiritual friendships are marked by the following:

1. Affinity
2. Transparency
3. Commitment

Affinity refers to our enjoyment of the other person which arises out of a similar passion. Spiritual friends like being around one another. They have a sense of connection to one another. What initially connects them could widely vary: a shared hobby, political views, favorite sports team, a similar way of seeing their
faith. As C.S. Lewis puts it, “The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, 'What? You too? I thought I was the only one.'"

... It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision - it is then that Friendship is born. This affinity then opens them up to wanting to go deeper. The surface connection still matters but they are not content for the relationship to be simply about that. They open their souls to one another. They care about each other as whole persons. Transparency refers to a willingness to be open and honest with each other.

Spiritual friends do their best to take off their masks and be real. They are honest about themselves and honest with one another. They are willing to speak the truth in love and willing to hear it as well!

Commitment involves two things: Being there for the other person and wanting the best for the other person. Though spiritual friendships may not last forever, when they are active each person has a sense of the other’s commitment. Each knows they can count on the other. Of course, we all let each other down from time to time. But overall, spiritual friends trust the character of one another. We desire each other’s flourishing and believe the other will be present when needed. This commitment helps communicate the value and worth of the other.

Though accountability happens in spiritual friendships, it would be wrong to say that they are primarily about accountability. They are primarily about caring for another as whole people, encouraging one another, and coming alongside one another. Accountability happens as a subset of that when it is appropriate. It is
“embedded accountability” and it is inherent in meaningful friendships.

Questions to Ponder

1. What do you make of these components of friendship?
2. What do you perceive to be the difficulties in finding and maintaining life-giving friendships?

Informal or Formal Intentionality in Spiritual Friendships
Informal intentionality works well in long-standing friendships. You are familiar with one another, and you care enough that it is natural to ask questions about how the other is doing on the deepest level. While these tend to be the most satisfying spiritual friendships, it is easy to lose the intentionality. Therefore, you have to
deliberately work at asking each other meaningful questions.

1. How is your relationship with God as of late?
2. How are you dealing with and thinking about God when it comes to the situations you are facing in both the joys and struggles in your life?

Formal intentionality consists of more deliberately formed relationships, perhaps from within your community group, for the purpose of spiritual formation. These relationships are often not long-term but may turn into long-term relationships over time.

1. How are you doing in your personal devotions and other practices?
2. What truths are you learning from Scripture lately?
3. What is going on in your life and what are you doing with God in relation to those things?
4. Where do you sense your idols being active in your life currently? Which non-churched people are you currently praying for and meeting with?

Next Steps
Meet once a month for the next 3 months over coffee or a drink with 2-4 people with whom you already have a naturally occurring friendship asking the question, “How are you doing in your relationship with God and spiritually as of late, and what leads you to that conclusion?”